They're playing love songs on the radio tonight.

I don't like wine.
I don’t like bubble baths.
I don’t like high heels.
I don’t like the elliptical machine.
I don’t like dancing.
I don’t like yogurt that tastes like key lime pie or strawberry cheesecake (fat free, of course).
I don’t want it all.
I’m not put together.
I drink dark, strong beer and I care about what’s happening to the world outside of my city.
But I’m not pretentious, and I’m not an intellectual.
I’m a jumbled mess of half-hearted ambitions and lots of daydreams.
And on Saturday nights I’m drinking my strong dark beer and I’m checking out of this place.
Back to daydream land.

to keep you quiet, while i'm inside
Recovery is hard. This day sucks. Gaining weight from recovering sucks. All I want to do is fit into my jeans. I feel like everyone is watching me, waiting for me to see if I am still wearing workout pants. I ate toast and cereal. AND cereal. And I feel like I have failed. Like I failed. I know that I didn’t fail. I know. My brain knows i didn’t fail, but I still can’t fit into my jeans.

I can’t fit into my jeans and I feel lumpy. I feel large and mushy and lumpy. I feel like my stomach takes up too much space. and my thighs jiggle like something from a funhouse. And my face feels like an inflated balloon.

I know these things aren’t true. I know that these things, even if they were true, do not define me. But I can’t help but feeling this way. I can’t help feeling that I wish I could keep my disorder size but have an ordered mind.

Hand on the heart.
In bed
Trying not to think
The exacto knife
In the kitchen drawer
And how good it would feel
Drawing pictures on the tops of my legs

Because I'm too old for that shit

But not really at all.

Maybe I would carve
Infinity into my skin.

And I still remember
How the little bubbles of blood would come
A few seconds after the sting.

the girl in bed
"Sometimes I have all these things I want to say and they feel magnificent in my head but then I let my mind wander and I forget how to say them so then when I’m talking to someone and they want me to say something clever and interesting I can’t because I’ve let myself wander off into this wilderness where there’s no thought or feeling just light and space , and I’m just in this huge dense wood where I’ve forgotten how to say beautiful things, sometimes I want to say so much I just can’t find the words. So I don’t say anything and people think I’m stupid or I say too much and they think I’m crazy, or I don’t write back to people like I should and they think I’m rude, I find it too easy to get lost in myself."

if i'm not on time, remember that i tried
[Take me with you
To the place where everything is unsaid
I remain trapped inside my body
Wishing it was over
Shoot me with your raygun
Through the night
So the daylight finds you
Wishing it was over]

I am the dirt at the bottom of the trenches
the soldiers, they lie on top of me, dirty and shivering
rationing coffee and pulling out wrinkled photographs of their wives and kids
and I grin
because I know that they're all gonna end up in the same place
as the guys they're fighting

and if anyone asks you why you took your mask off, just say you were never really there.
Tonight I learned that sometimes tears come for no reason at all, but at the same time, for every reason.

Tonight I actually thought, "no, this isn't enough. when the shit hits the fan, I need someone here."

That thought is scarier than anything else that could have happened tonight. I know the drill for the other shit. Not this.

And tonight things came rushing back in these gigantic flashes and I just sat on my couch hugging my knees to my chest, like I was 20 again.

Sometimes, even though you know you've come so far and you've shown them all that they were wrong, you start to wonder if maybe they were right.

I know at least four people who would beat the shit out of that guy, and save for one, they're all really far away right now. And the one that's here? I wouldn't call.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, every once in awhile, the girl who just wants to be left alone, doesn't want to be alone at all; so she wipes those tears away and learns about chinese medicine.

re.peat. repeat repeat repeat.
no one knows where the ladder goes
you're gonna lose what you love the most
you're not alone in anything
you're not unique and dying
feels strange to every now and then
fall asleep reading science fiction
i want to fly in your silver ship
let jesus hang and buddha sit
it's on now
the days are long now
the ups and the sundowns
and the twisted mind
if i gotta go first,
i'll do it on my terms
i'm tired of traitors
always changing sides

they were friends of mine

don't hang around once the promise breaks
you'll be there when the next one's made
kiss the feet of a charlatan
some imagined freedom
all the rest is predictable
you can say you're the first to know
bought a mantra to concentrate
car alarm or hissing snake
i know now
how it's gonna turn out
you gotta calm down
or i'll lose my place
gotta get to the center
gotta get to the concert
run off with the dancer
gonna celebrate

we'll welcome the new age
covered in warrior paint
lights from the jungle, to the sky
see now a star's born
looks just like a blood orange
don't it just make ya wanna cry?
precious friend of mine

will I know when it's finally done?
the whole life's a hallucination
you're not alone in anything
you're not alone in trying to be

and i know it's a little dramatic / but the word for not changing is 'death'
so i'm getting better, my friends / but please don't hold your breath

oh boy. right?
My throat hurts from throwing up.

Maybe it's time to try recovery again.


[stop all the traffic jams]

your palms are sweaty, and I'm barely listening.
I'm scared to even go see him again, because I feel like every time I do, it's going to be harder and harder to leave.

I'm scared that this love has become so big and overpowering that I'm losing who I am in it. But also a huge part of me feels like it IS who I am. For someone who has lived her life preferring to spend her time alone, why the fuck am I suddenly so dependant upon someone else. This is not okay. These are the thoughts that keep popping up.

I keep searching for the meaning behind this. Why was this meant to happen? Why this way?

I keep watching couples on the train.

I'm fucking terrified. I've never been put in this kind of situation before, I'm a fucking sinkhole of just.. emotion. And I hate it. And I hate myself for being so weak about all this.

I want to just drink until I get past that point where those feelings are amplified, and into numbness. And that's a scary place for a person with my history to be.

Yes, the thought came to me today.. "you know what would get rid of this.."

And yes, great. Now I'm a person who tears up in public because I walked by this place where we held each other.

Then I push that down, and I want to push him away because I don't want to deal with the missing-missing-missing-daydreaming-aching.

And when he was here, my disease went to the back burner. No more secret 2am treadmill trips. No standing in front of the mirror hating every single inch of what I see.

Because he made me feel like what I have is okay, and even loveable.

And that love overpowered the hatred that I have for myself. And it was so nice. But the moment he left it all came rushing back.

But goddammit, I don't think I could live without him. Love is ridiculous like that.

Just wake me when all of this is over, and I can stop white-knuckling it.


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