- your palms are sweaty, and I'm barely listening.
- June 9th, 2013
I'm scared to even go see him again, because I feel like every time I do, it's going to be harder and harder to leave.
I'm scared that this love has become so big and overpowering that I'm losing who I am in it. But also a huge part of me feels like it IS who I am. For someone who has lived her life preferring to spend her time alone, why the fuck am I suddenly so dependant upon someone else. This is not okay. These are the thoughts that keep popping up.
I keep searching for the meaning behind this. Why was this meant to happen? Why this way?
I keep watching couples on the train.
I'm fucking terrified. I've never been put in this kind of situation before, I'm a fucking sinkhole of just.. emotion. And I hate it. And I hate myself for being so weak about all this.
I want to just drink until I get past that point where those feelings are amplified, and into numbness. And that's a scary place for a person with my history to be.
Yes, the thought came to me today.. "you know what would get rid of this.."
And yes, great. Now I'm a person who tears up in public because I walked by this place where we held each other.
Then I push that down, and I want to push him away because I don't want to deal with the missing-missing-missing-daydreaming-aching.
And when he was here, my disease went to the back burner. No more secret 2am treadmill trips. No standing in front of the mirror hating every single inch of what I see.
Because he made me feel like what I have is okay, and even loveable.
And that love overpowered the hatred that I have for myself. And it was so nice. But the moment he left it all came rushing back.
But goddammit, I don't think I could live without him. Love is ridiculous like that.
Just wake me when all of this is over, and I can stop white-knuckling it.