But I do love the idea that someone who was just an image on a screen and sweet words in my heart is indeed alive and breathing. Without an Internet connection our love wouldn’t exist. The most hate-filled kind of EHarmony matched us.
Every time he coughed I panicked.
Every time we walked together I felt like I needed to make sure he was okay. Leaving his side made me want to leave the city and the mountains and the rivers and the trees that I love so much, and just live it out in that terrible country without ever thinking of anyone outside of us, or anyone who would be born after us. It was a terrifying feeling. Probably just me being selfish about the whole thing.
I have this necklace and a single cigarette of his, and when I looked at it this morning I thought of his little twitches as he was dozing off and I thought for a minute that that was what life was all about.
I hope I mentioned that this is all terrifying.
Can I see myself doing this for the next twelve years?
But I will end up doing it anyway.
Because any kisses that I could receive from any boy in British Columbia wouldn’t ever be as good as the ones from the man in New York State.
And the way this all went down, the mess that’s been created by it- the long, rough road that I’ll have to stumble blindly down- well, it seems to be worth hearing him sing in the shower and smiling. Long months of my life lived to see one day with him.
So, thank God for Wi-Fi and Starbucks and headphones.